Satire: Simply Outrageous

Simply Outrageous


It‘s outrageous. Simply outrageous. The lives and safety of millions of worthless Americans definitely are not worth it. Worth what, you may ask. Worth what? Worth what? They are not worth the precious comfort of the poor, pitiable, and pitiful terrorists who our soldiers risked their lives apprehending. These terrorists, after all, were doing something completely admirable, standing up for their religion and destroying innocent lives according to their interpretation the holy Koran...[*2.191] And kill them wherever you find them, and drive them out from whence they drove you out, and persecution is severer than slaughter…then slay them; such is the recompense of the unbelievers. Aren’t they just taking action based on an interpretation of their religion? They might as well be out evangelizing and advocating the inner secrets of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. We don’t throw people in jail for that, do we? Then why do we throw people who spread their religion in a more explosive way in some deep dark hole straight out of Casino Royale (think the open-bottomed chair interrogation scene) in Hungary or Waziristan (war-torn part of Pakistan)?

Yes, it’s horrible, isn’t it? The way our “guardian angel”, the CIA treats these humble little jihadists? Can we just let them go on their merry way, carrying their little Mohammed Mouse lunchboxes packed with C4 and smallpox, and other potent goodies to share with the bloodsucking parasitical boys and girls of the West? I mean, don’t we already have a problem with population density? Why don’t we just let these funny little extremists run amok in America, and help out? Who cares about the thousands they kill in every attack, we got millions more!

What should we do? Why, protect their rights, of course! Protect them from being bullied and harassed by the horrible eagle, the CIA! Play the mother hen and gather the extremist little chicks under our wings, so they can continue on in their short and volatile lives with the rights and liberties promised by the nation they’re out to destroy! And castrate and cripple the sentinel, who was trying to bring our poor extremists to justice and protect us from them! Down with the CIA, the oppressor of the martyr to be! Down with Gitmo, the net that holds our extremist friends away from us! Down with America- the country that holds these poor, peaceful people in such disgust! Let us join hands and embrace the Jihadists in their vests packed with C4 and the belts carrying the weapons they’ve stripped from the dead bodies of our flesh and blood overseas. Let them run free in the meadows and fields filled with flowers, and give them the freedom of the country they seek to obliterate in a blaze of gunfire and the smoke of a nuke. America welcomes you!